Friday, 22 January 2016
Congratulations! We've all made it through to January 22nd!
I hope my tongue twisters of last week helped you chuckle through the last few days. This week I am going to give you some humorous jokes and quotations to keep you smiling...
1. A man asked a friend how his wife was before remembering that she had died. So he added, "Still in the same cemetery?"
2. First girl, "My elder sister gives me the creeps."
Second girl, "Why?"
Reply, "She passes on all her ex-boyfriends."
3. At school dinner the teacher said, "Let us all stand for grace."
Wise pupil replied, "Okay, where is she?"
4. A passenger on board a cruise liner, in the middle of the Atlantic, while crossing from Southampton to New York went into the shop and asked for some hairspray.
"I'm very sorry Madam but we have run out of that particular brand."
"Oh, will you have some in tomorrow?"
5. An English man wanted to emigrate to Australia.
The Australian Immigration Officer asked if he had a criminal record.
He replied, "I didn't know you still needed one."
His application was rejected!
6. "It was a woman who drove me to drink and I didn't have the courtesy to thank her." attributed to W.C. Fields.
7. A rather anxious passenger on board a plane asked a member of the crew, "How often do these planes crash?"
"Only once." He replied.
8. "It's not the men in my life that count but the life in my men." Mae West.
9. Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and do.! Anonymous.
10. Girl, "Mother, I think I'm pregnant."
Mother, "Are you sure it's yours?" Anonymous.
11. "I don't believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear." Woody Allen.
12. "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen.
13. "I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks." Joe E Lewis.
14. A man called a hotel and asked for the price of a room. The receptionist replied that it depended on the type of accommodation and number of people.
"Do you take children?"
"No, just credit cards and cash."
15. "My parents are the epitome of abstinence." The boy told his friends. " They do not smoke or drink and my sister and I are both adopted."
Okay folks, that's fifteen howlers to keep you chuckling. If you think others would laugh at a joke of yours feel free to add it in the reply/comment section. Let's all keep each other smiling through to February.